Don't call me Sugar

Timing Really Is Everything

2011-06-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

We all know how important timing is. Our entire lives run on it. If you're late for work you'll get fired, if you're late for a train you'll miss your trip, the list can go on and on. But what we fail to think about is how important timing is in our relationships.

If we meet someone at the "wrong" point in our lives then chances are things will not progress, or progress easily, with that person. But what does "wrong" mean? In the case of relationships, "wrong" is usually defined as people meeting at inopportune moments, ie: someone is too distracted by work, someone just started a relationship with someone else, someone is about the move across the country. What I don't understand is how is this "wrong?" People meet when they meet. I believe that people enter your life at a certain and specific time for a reason. Now, figuring out the meaning behind that time is a lot more complicated, and it's usually an answer we don't figure out till years later. But I don't think people necessarily meet at the "wrong" time. I think people meet at times that make life more complicated. Let's examine:

Air Force and I met at a complicated time. He knew he was going to be moving to CA for school within a few months, which was definitely going to shape whatever was happening with us. (whether he realized that or not is another question). So yes, bad timing. Our situation was set up to be complicated from the beginning because this was looming over our heads. And everything that was going to happen was going to be shaped by his impending departure. But, if we hadn't met when we did we would have never met. He had started dating a girl he met online back in October. I didn't have my online account set up in October even though that's when I was going to start one...which I just realized...weird. By the time I did have my account up and had started to talk to people he had ended things with the other girl and messaged me. If our timing had been off by a few weeks we would have never met. He ended up not wanting to renew his account (most likely because he was leaving, though we never discussed it), and then he would have been on the west coast and there wouldn't have been a meeting at all. For whatever reason, we had to meet when we did. Yes the timing was not the best, but it was the only timing we were going to have, so it had to happen then no matter how bad it was.

The reason I'm thinking about this now is because he's leaving for CA tomorrow, and all that keeps playing in my mind is a line from a facebook message he sent to me a few months back. We had been discussing us and what was going on when he had written, "we just had bad timing." I wish I could know what I know now, press the rewind button on my life and respond with, "this is the timing we're meant to have."

I don't know why Air Force and I met when we did. And I don't know what anything that's wrapped around that situation means.... there are a lot of unexplained and coincidental things that are wrapped around that situation. And I don't know where, if anywhere, things are going. I do know that it's time for me to take a deep breath, step back, and let fate take the reigns of it for now. That is not an easy thing for me to do. I also know that our situation was not a case of bad timing, it was a case of complicated timing that was meant to turn us into whatever we are meant to be.

Every Rule I Should Apply To Dating I Learned In 6th Grade

2011-05-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. When I was 11 years old I knew more about dating than I do at the age of 26. It doesn't seem to matter how many relationships I've had, or how many dates I've been on. In fact, the more I date the less I know.

In grade school, the rules were simple: you like boy + boy likes you = you date till you don't like each other any more. What the hell happened to that? Do you understand the kind of brilliance that comes from the pure simplicity of those actions??? Why did we self-sabotage with age? Did we really think that things had to get easier as we got older? Yes.

When we were younger our biggest dating fears consisted of how hot and popular our new boy was, what kind of social status dating him would give us, when he was going to kiss us, and how long he would like us for. Ok, so some of these things are still concerns that we have today, but now we get to add on fun topics like: is he balding, is he divorced, does he have a kid (or two), is he moving to CA, is he just using me for sex, and so on. Suddenly, the list of concerns aren't so trivial anymore, yet part of me still wishes they were.

I would love to grade school date again. I want to meet a boy and like him, and have him like me, and have us go out and talk and see each other until we don't like each other anymore. I don't want our relationship to be blocked by career choices, location changes, and ex-girlfriend baggage.

I know the secrets of 6th grade love, now if only they could too...

Hamster Wheel

2011-03-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

As you can tell from my recent string of postings, things in my life have been completely up in the air lately. While I know there are some things that are out of my control, I just wish that I had some kind of control two most important things in my life: love life and career.

Both is these futures are totally up in the air right now, which is making me antsy and wishing that it was socially acceptable to drink at work. I have also become a slave to my phone and my email because of this. Go my life! Unfortunately there is no easy solution for either one of these issue. Both require me waiting on decisions other people are making regarding my life. Why is it ok for other people to be able to make decisions regarding what happens in your life? How is that right? Not that I'm a control freak or anything, but I wish I had more control over these two situations. I feel like I have little to no control over what has been happening to me for the past seven months.

So now I'm swinging on my hamster wheel one more time....

I Used To Be Good At Math

2011-03-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I haven't been good at math since probably my sophomore year in high school. I like to credit that to Mr. Ney and geometry. Thank you Mr. Ney. There was a brief resurgence of my skills junior year in algebra two, but like I said, it was brief.

I would like to blame Mr. Ney's ruining my math skills as the reason for why I can not figure out the life equation that has been presented to me:

daily communication + flirting + hooking up + your friends want to meet me + your cousin referred to you as my boyfriend + you saying you like me + you saying you think this is more than just hooking up = ignoring me and not speaking to me for two days...not sure if you will again, it's not the future yet.

Throwback

2011-03-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

As a smart wonderful modern woman and all, I find myself thinking about a topic that most women like to avoid: love vs. career. As women of the 21st century, we like the pretend that this is not something that bothers us. The politically correct answer to which is more important is of course the career. Middle class women on the East Coast (yes, there is a reason why I'm sectioning this off geographically) are brought up with the understanding that they are to get an education and a job before anything else. The idea of being able to support oneself is given top priority. Love is to come in second to everything else.

But what if you want love to come first??? GASP! Are floggings to be administered???

When you look at successful (success being defined as women who have high-ranking positions within their companies, not just women who are happy with their job) women in the world it seems as if their success has always come at a cost. And that cost tends to be a partner. When I look forward through my life I don't fear that I will not have career success. In fact, I'm pretty positive that I'm making strong strides towards that right now. What does scare me is that I'll be doing this alone.

In the past year, I have had a lot of great achievements, but I feel like I've had no one to celebrate these with. And what good is it to celebrate personal achievements if you have no one there by your side supporting you. I've had to rely on myself, support myself, and motivate myself a lot more than many people I know. It's getting to the point that I'm not even that excited about things that I should be thrilled about, or at least feel really proud about. It's sad to say that I'm not happy about these things because I have no one to share them with.

I'll admit it. I'm a successful, independent, smart, modern woman who wishes she had a man in her life.

How Does One Stop Oneself From Falling

2011-03-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

I can barely walk down the sidewalk without tripping on something. I am a clumsy, clumsy girl. So if I can't walk down a hallway without almost falling on my face, how the hell am I supposed to fall for a guy without making something disastrous out of the situation?

I find myself daily forcefully pushing myself off the psycho train, only to sneak back on again hours later.

I need an intervention!!!!

Sex And The City, And Other Horror Stories For Single Girls

2011-03-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

Feeling depressed about life the other night, I decided to watch Sex and the City (SATC). I thought it would give me some hope that I am not alone out there, and single girls really can find some kind of happiness. Wrong!

While I find that they bring up a lot of points that single girls constantly contemplate, ie. why are there so many fabulous single women, but no fabulous single men, these topics aren't inspiring. These topics are depressing. I'm guessing the original point of the show, besides showing the love and friendship of these four women, was to show the struggles of today's modern women. Single women were probably meant to find comfort in the actions of these ladies; "look, I'm not alone." Yet instead I find these stories bring me down. In order for a single woman to see that she is not alone in her struggles, all she has to do is look at her fabulous single female friends. SATC does not offer any kind of advice or solutions of how to deal with these dilemmas. ...not that I ever expected it would. Maybe I'm being cynical to a show I used to adore because I've seen the series through six seasons and two movies to completion. I know each character gets her "happily ever after" ending, even though there are some bumps along the way. I also know in life there isn't always a happily ever after ending for everyone. Not every girl gets her Mr. Big and gets to have that one longed for kiss with an ex.

Random thought: Did SATC sellout????

Maybe the best a single woman can pull from this is that she's not the only one to ever think these ideas.

When I Was Seventeen

2011-02-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

More like when I was 15 or 16...

My friend and I had a conversation the other night about how we handled boys when we were in high school compared to how we handle boys now, and the results would surprise you. It turns out that we were much more together and stronger people in high school than we are now. But why? True, the Spice Girls aren't dancing around shouting about girl power anymore. And it's rare to hear a classic Madonna song on the radio telling you to express yourself, though Gaga is slowly filling that spot. But there has to be more to it than that.

When I was 15 I had gone through a particularly bad break-up with someone who I had had a semi-serious relationship with (he would later become a long term boyfriend). His way of breaking up with me was to stop speaking to me. For all I knew, the boy could have died, that's how much the conversation stopped and that's how out of nowhere it was. Anyway, I did not shed one tear when this happened. Yes I was hurt. And yes I was filled with rage and confusion. But my way of handling this was to just get over it and move on to the next boy.

Yet now at 26, I have had complete breakdowns over much less. What the hell happened?!?!? How come I now have meltdowns when my kind of crush doesn't like me back? Where did that strong-willed stubborn 15 year-old go? How can I get her back? Am I maturing in reverse? I really hope not.

In the 11 years that I have been actively dating people and getting into committed relationships, I have been through many different scenarios, which means I have learned a whole hell of a lot. I don't think I am maturing in reverse, but something is going on.

My conclusion is that I was a lot more optimistic about life when I was younger. Back then it seemed like I had my whole life ahead of me. There was time to make plenty of mistakes and meet plenty of new people. Now things are different. I've seen the reality of life. I know that many things, most things, are left to chance. And this doesn't relate only to romantic relationships. This can also relate to jobs, friends, housing, anything you can think of really. Life is going to play out however it wants to play out. But I'm going to do whatever I can to get it to play out the way that I want!

Mark Zuckerberg: Ruining Lives Since 2003

2011-02-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

Facebook. Facebook Facebook Facebook. I have had so many things in my life happen because of this website. Most days, Facebook just eats up a lot of time with useless stalking. Hours go by with me checking statuses, commenting on statuses, looking at pictures of friends, people from high school/college that I was never friends with, and seeing who is friends with who. Usually this just means that I have wasted my night on something useless when I should have been cleaning my apartment, doing homework, or being a productive member of society. In fact, even as I write this I'm on Facebook.

Since the start of 2007 there have been two guys that I have sparked with. The first was Greg, on and off boyfriend of 3.5 years. The second was the sailor. The similarities between these two situations astound me, even though they happened almost four years apart and with two different people. And both of these situations were turned upside down because of Facebook.

When I met both of this men there was no initial attraction on my end. I talked to Greg because Emie and JP were in a deep conversation and Greg was standing across from me giving me a goofy "I'm interested" look. Honestly, I didn't even find Greg to be all that attractive until about three dates in. The sentence, "the more I drink the cuter he gets," was even muttered to Emie at a party one night, but that is a story for another day. With the sailor, I thought he was pretty adorable, but not attractive. He was cocky and young and persistent, so I gave in and decided to go out with him and his friends that night. I still don't this he's the type of person that you would stop say "wow" at, but he's gotten more attractive to me over time.

I could keep going about these two, and their similarities, and how everything else, etc. But the bottom line is how Facebook changed both of these relationships.

It turns out that both Greg and the sailor were in long term relationships when I met them. Neither man admitted this to me, but thanks to Mr. Zuckerberg I found out. Ok, so there may have been slight stalking involved that made me figure these things out. With Greg all I had to do was look at his page from Emie's account to see that his relationship status said "in a relationship." (Dear Greg, This all came about because you ignored my friend request and were too stupid to realize you were friends with one of my friends...ass.) The sailor involved a little more stalking, but let the records show I was NOT looking for evidence of a girlfriend. With his page I found a friend with a pic of him and her and saw that they went to the same high school and she was friends with his entire family. All it took to figure that one out was half a brain cell and some deductive reasoning.

So yea, the only two men I've sparked with in two years were both in the midst of serious relationships when I met them, they both covered them up, they both pursued me vigorously, their secrets were both unveiled thanks to Facebook, and I am currently not speaking to either one of them.

Yes Mark Zuckerberg, your invention has ruined lives, but I wonder, would my life have been better off if I had never known this information? I have no definitive answer for that question, but what I can answer is that my life would be totally different right now if I had never learned that.

The Beginnging Is A Very Good Place To Start

2011-02-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

The decent into hell started back in August of 2010. Less than a week after coming home from a romantic vacation with my on-again off-again boyfriend of 3.5 years, he decided to break up with me. This was as out of the blue to me as Sarah Palin actually being able to see Russia from her house. After kind of fighting for the relationship (I was so over being in this position at this point that I was more fighting over habit instead of want), I ushered him to the door with a tear stained face and told him I was going to unfriend him on Facebook and add him to my block list because I need to disappear for a while.

Side note - Don't you love modern day threats? Jane Eyre sooo wouldn't have gone for Mr. Rochester if she had seen he was still married to Bertha via is Facebook relationship status.

In hindsight, the end of this relationship was a really good thing. We had been through so much over the 3.5 years that we had really passed the point of no return. Nothing was going to save us. Freud himself would have told us we were too screwed up for help. As up and down as our relationship may have been, the truth is that we needed to see it out till the end. I am happy to say that these past few months have been the first time since February 2007 that I have not missed Greg and I have no desire to get back together with him. The insanity of those years really needed to be played out in order for me to reach this point. Though I wish it didn't have to take 3.5 years. And as for Greg and how he feels about this.... fuck 'em.

When I Was Younger I Should Have Learned To Swim

2011-02-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

I should have known that things were going to be bad when the psychic didn't return my calls. Yet I gathered my strength together and decided to dive headfirst into the new phase of my life. And so far it's been...well it's been a life. It's been a life shaped by family, work, MTV, let downs, build-ups, hopes, dreams, Belle, friends, and of course the unimaginable.

The following is an account of all of that plus the future.